By Robert Scucci | Published
The worst thing you can learn as a child is that Santa doesn’t exist, and it’s the kind of revelation that makes you never want to trust your parents, who are also the Tooth Fairy, again. The only thing worse is running into Billy Bob Thornton’s Willie T. Soke, a violently drunk mall Santa who also happens to be a con artist and a safe cracker expert whenever he’s not caught in the middle of a bender that numbs his faculties in the 2003s. Bad Santa. Having not watched the film since I was 15, when my youthful sense of humor often got the better of me, I’m happy to say that I didn’t grow up at all because Bad Santa holds up better than I ever imagined.
Or there’s the less likely scenario that my sense of humor at 15 was more sophisticated than I thought, and watching the movie as an adult works because it absolutely earned its R rating and I’m now part of its target audience. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. Bad Santa It’s the kind of movie your parents don’t want you to watch but know you’ll watch it anyway. Meanwhile, you can hear them laughing in the other room, not knowing that you already had a visit while they weren’t home.
Billy Bob Thornton’s Finest Hour
I know full well that Billy Bob Thornton is an award-winning star known for his thoughtful and dramatic performances, but when he’s tasked with being the most vulgar version of himself for a raunchy and straightforward holiday movie, he throws himself into the role of Willie T. Soke, a walking disaster posing as a happy-go-lucky Santa who only accepts the task of cracking the mall safe at the end of the season and disappearing with the loot.
Working alongside his longtime accomplice, Marcus Skidmore (Tony Cox), Willie vows to retire and go legit. Marcus knows that Willie can’t cope between seasons and is prone to violent behavior, so he counts on him returning for another job the following year, which is exactly what happens.
Making matters worse after a series of drunken incidents in Florida, Willie and Marcus regroup in Phoenix for another long scam. They are introduced to Bob Chipeska (John Ritter), a mall manager who wants a clean holiday season, and immediately get off on the wrong foot after Willie gets a little too cozy in the department store locker room with a number of suitors. The mall’s head of security, Gin Slagel (Bernie Mac), is surprisingly cold about Willie’s behavior, but he monitors him in the background throughout the film.
Enter Thurman Merman
Cynically cycling on vacation, Willie eventually meets Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly), a socially awkward overweight boy who is frequently the target of bullies. Upon learning that Thurman’s parents are away and that he lives alone in a mansion with his senile grandmother, Willie takes it upon himself to move in. Thurman is as healthy as any naive preteen who still believes in Santa, and he becomes the perfect foil for Willie, who we’re not even sure has a heart at this point.
As their friendship, if you want to call it that, develops, Willie inadvertently becomes the kid’s mentor and teaches him valuable lessons about standing up for himself and recognizing his worth. Thurman returns the favor by constantly offering to make him sandwiches because he thinks that’s what a good host does.
Between peeing pants and drunken outbursts at the mall, Willie begins a romantic relationship with Sue (Lauren Graham), a woman whose Santa fetish blinds her to how horrible he is. Sue and Willie start out bumping uglies to satisfy their most basic urges, but they end up functioning as the de facto parents to Thurman, who has no one to celebrate the holidays with. Meanwhile, things get out of hand at the mall, and Gin’s behind-the-scenes digs put him squarely in the middle of Willie and Marcus’ heist, and he wants in on the action.
Vulgar with a heart of gold
As atrocious as Willie’s behavior is Bad Santahe’s not completely heartless. He certainly has a hero’s arc, but he’s neither groomed nor healthy. It’s beyond messy. He’s determined to give up his thieving lifestyle, but keeps getting carried away, and you can tell he wants to go legit but is helpless in his current state. Thurman, naive as he is, is surprisingly sharp in his criticism when he decides to speak up, and his unwavering kindness becomes the nudge that helps Willie turn over a new leaf, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.
For a movie where Santa yells at mall security about his fucking stick, Bad Santa is surprisingly wholesome when you ignore the vulgarity and look at the gist of the story. I don’t say this to condemn vulgarity, but to celebrate it. It’s a tough line to walk, but Bad Santa does it so effortlessly that it almost feels like a family Christmas movie. Don’t show it to your kids until they’re older, because if they repeat any of the dialogues at school, you’ll definitely get a call from the principal.
Bad Santa is broadcast on Max. Its sequel, Bad Santa 2 is also on the platform, but aside from the Billy Bob Thornton scenes, it’s a much weaker film. You won’t miss much by ignoring it if you expect the sequel to be on the same level.
